I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
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My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
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apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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