I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
