Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
