i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
