glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
