YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
