you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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