Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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