you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
