im six kinds of drunk right now
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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