just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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