These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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