i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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