i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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