so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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