Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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