I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
birth control should be required to get into college
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
