I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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