Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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