Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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