I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
