i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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