I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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