so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
