She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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