i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
