This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
