i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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