I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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