once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.