My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
