Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
