lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
