You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
