we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
