So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
