So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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