Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
