you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
