i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
