Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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