My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
