There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
