If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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