Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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