my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
