tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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