Kareoke will never be a sober sport
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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