I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
