I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
