Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
