i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
