Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
