I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
