My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
