I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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