i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
