There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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