so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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