mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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