Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had to cum in my sink.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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